Without You I Have No Reason To Live
by Chipettegirl4life
Summary: Alvin you did break your promise you know. You did leave me. You left me here to spend the rest of my life without you, and I know the rest of my life won't be as colorful and joyful as when you were with me. You could have told me you were hurting… I would have helped. Alvin please come back. I'm waiting for you to return. Please, let me see you just one last time. Just for me?
1. Entry 1

**Warning:** This story is meant to be very sad and dramatic and there IS character death. I'm sorry... I hate it when one of them dies, but it's all for the plot. If you don't like that or hate sad stories I don't suggest it. I hope I don't fail miserably at this story... Anyways, enjoy. **This is all in Brittany's POV.**

_Why would you do this to me? Yeah, I'm talking to you Alvin, or writing actually. My sisters got me this dumb diary. Jeanette told me to write. She said "It'll help you feel better. Just let all of your feelings and innermost thought out. It'll help." She's making sure that I am so I guess I have to. I'm still mad at you thought Alvin. Why did you do it? I don't know. My tears are staining this page as I write. I can't hold them in. _

_I remember… just yesterday you seemed fine. I woke up this morning to find your side of the bed empty. We've been living together for a while… since my 18__th__ birthday last year I believe. I just shrugged it off; assuming you had gotten up earlier then me… after all it was ten in the morning. I walked out of my bedroom and into the bathroom… to see you, lying on the floor. _

_At first I couldn't move. I was too shocked to speak. I convinced myself that you'd wake up. I shook you… crying out, "Alvin get up! You're scaring me…. Just get up! Please!" I kept begging for you to open your eyes and wrap your arm around me whispering, "It's alright… I'm okay." But you didn't. Your body was cold, limp and lifeless. Scars laced around your wrists from cutting, I didn't even know you cut. And I lived with you. _

_Some were faded, others weren't. One was fresh, having dried blood tangled with your fur. I was sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe. I still half expect you to walk in through the door saying it was some kind of sick joke. But here's the truth… your dead. You killed yourself… and I'm just… at a complete loss for words. _

_I'm writing to you Alvin, even with that fact. I don't know, somehow it helps. You know you're an idiot right? You could have told me you were hurting… I would have helped. I love you Alvin, I know I've said this so many times before but it's true. I didn't tell you that last night… before you died. _

_I remember yesterday night. You were crying, and I felt useless… I asked you what was wrong, how I could help. You didn't reply at first, just looked at me. You just stared at me with your beautiful hazel eyes that I will never see again. You finally just smiled and shook your head, "It'll be fine Brittany. Just go to bed, I'll meet you in there." Alvin, you didn't come to bed for three more hours. _

_Why would you do this to me?! You left me Alvin. You promised to be mine and mine forever… I guess forever didn't last as long as I had hoped. _

_-0-_

_So it's been a couple of hours since I wrote last. I've finally calmed down… at least while my sisters are here. I'm the oldest; I have to be strong for them. I don't know how long it'll last though. Alvin, you were my boyfriend. I wanted to marry you Alvin! I wanted to have kids. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you… _

_Remember the day we both admitted we loved each other? It was dark and gloomy, June 23__rd__ I believe. It was raining, I remember that. Then it turned to hailing. I was in your arms, crying hard. I was scared, and even though we teased each other… even though we got on each other's nerves you still held me close, just being in your arms made me feel safe. _

_You whispered these exact words to me, "I'll never leave you, okay? I'll always be here; I'll always be there to make sure you're alright. I'll watch over you forever… I won't let anything happen to you… I love you." I remember… my heart thumping in my chest as you whispered those sweet words into my ears. I'll never forget them as long as I live. I'll never forget you, no matter how much your memory pains me. _

_Alvin you did break your promise you know. You __**did **__leave me. You left me here to spend the rest of my life without you, and I know the rest of my life won't be as colorful and joyful as when you were with me. Anyways, that day we told each other that we loved each other; I told you I couldn't imagine life with you. I guess now I don't have to. Alvin's its awful! Everything is terrible without you. Where did you go? Why did you leave me here by myself? _

_Simon, Theodore, Dave, Eleanor and Jeanette have been bawling their eyes out all day too. Simon tried to hide his tears, but Dave told him to just let it out. Alvin, do you know how many people you've hurt? We miss you… so much. _

_I'm sorry. I've started to cry again. The paramedics came… taking your body away. I screamed and fought them, trying to get you back. They were taking you away from me. No, they can't do that. So I screamed and clawed at them, trying to take you back. _

_Jeanette and Eleanor had to hold me back, to keep me from dragging you back into my arms and force you to once again open your eyes… to breathe. But no, they had to pry you out of my arms. I hate them… they didn't even let me say goodbye. I guess I can do that at your funeral. Huh, I never thought about that… funerals. I hate them. Their so sad… Today was been so sad. I'll never forget this day, the day you left me for good._

_-0-_

_It's ten p.m. I can't sleep. I miss your warmth Alvin. I miss you cuddling next to me as I rest my head on your chest, listening to your heartbeat, feeling your chest rise and fall as you breathe. Maybe I'll be able to sleep again soon… but I can tell that for the next few nights that'll be near impossible. I miss the sound of your voice singing me to sleep. _

_Alvin please come back. I'm waiting for you to return. Please, let me see you just one last time. Just for me Alvin? _

**To be continued...**


	2. Entry 2

**Thanks to everyone who gave me those awesome reviews! I hope this chapter reaches your expectations! I won't update until Monday/Tuesday though because it's my Birthday tomorrow and we're celebrating it today. So yeah... Here's the next chapter.**

_We started to plan your funeral today. We're going to have it tomorrow or the next day. Apparently, Simon and Theodore noticed you acting different when you came over to their house last. They said you kept telling them how much you loved them. So I guess you've been planning this for a while, right Alvin? _

_I still don't know why you killed yourself. I thought you were happy. You seemed like the same old Alvin to me. I'm on the verge of tears again. Just the thought of you brings me on my knees. I knew I loved you for a few years now Alvin, but I didn't realize how much until now… Alvin, I love you. Never forget that, wherever you are okay? _

_I never went to sleep last night. I stayed up all night, just thinking of you. I miss your voice already. I miss your touch. I've never felt this much pain before in my entire life. Not even the time I broke my arm and leg. _

_So I decided that writing to you helps somewhat… Jeanette saying that it isn't healthy though, saying stuff like "Just let him go Brittany." But I can't. I can't just get over you, Alvin. It's been two days. Two days since I wrote last. I didn't write yesterday because of planning your funeral… _

_I spent a lot of time looking through our old pictures. You drove me crazy half the time… Ha, we had some really stupid fights didn't we? I regret them all now… I regret ever teasing you Alvin._

_Jeanette and Eleanor are growing more concerned by the day. By now, they'd decided I need a therapist. I've been going crazy without you. It may have been only 48 hours, but to me it's been years. I've been calling you Alvin. I've been waiting for you to come home. But you never do! _

_Ugh, just come back to me already! I can't take it anymore. I'm drowning myself in my own tears because of you. No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be so cruel to you. I know you wouldn't have left me so soon if it wasn't something serious. _

_-0- _

_So it's been an hour. I haven't left my room. I've been sitting on my bed… just sobbing. I can't stop. I haven't stopped for days. I can hardly breathe by now. I miss you, so much. _

_-0- _

_I found your note Alvin. Why didn't you just tell me?! It's my entire fault you died. I was just too self-absorbed in my own problems to notice the pain in your eyes. You masked you pain and I should have known. I'm so sorry Alvin! It's my fault. All mine!_

_I hate them… the people who drove you to this. If I ever see them… I can't even write how sad and angry I am right now. I hate this! I hate life. Okay Alvin? I just do! Without you… the world is so dull. Every day since you killed yourself, has been gray and gloomy. To me at least. I can't find the sunlight anymore. Its warmth never seems to reach me. _

_I feel nothing but numbness. I feel as though the walls are caving in on me. My life just has no meaning anymore. How couldn't I see it before? I was supposed to be your best friend, your girlfriend. And I never noticed your depression? Never seen it in your eyes, because I'm an idiot Alvin! A huge bratty idiot!  
_

_I don't care if my fur is all matted or that my hair is practically ruined. How can I care about such pointless things anymore?!_

_-0-_

**Alvin's Note:**

_Dear Brittany,_

_So if you've found this then I'm probably dead. Yeah I know. You're probably thinking I'm an idiot or something along those lines right? Yeah, I know you THAT well Britt. So you are wondering why I killed myself. Well, I can't take the pain anymore. I guess I'm really good at hiding it, because you never noticed. Don't worry though Brittany, I'm not mad at you. It's not your fault, just remember that alright?  
_

_Bullies are my reason, okay? They took everything I had. My ego, my pride, my voice, my confidence, everything, except you, they can't take you from me. Not even after death. Nope, your mine and mine forever, remember? I'll always love you. Even after I die, I will. _

_The bullies… they said terrible things to me. They laughed at everything I said until I no longer had words to speak with… no voice to sing with. I was mute, unhappy… unless I was with you. When you were by my side I felt as though I could do anything. I could be myself without being laughed at. Brittany, you were the only person who could make me smile, or laugh. _

_Never stopping smiling or laughing, or being you, keeping singing too, okay Brittany? That's all that I ask. That is my last wish. For you stay you. Never stop being yourself. We need people like you on Earth! Every day is dull and gray, unless it's spent with someone like you. _

_You can do so many things with your life. You're strong, stronger than me… I was too weak to carry on. But you can do it. Follow your dreams Brittany, and don't let anyone stop you. Love you babe, good bye… _

_-Alvin._

_-0- _

_I cried when I read your note Alvin. You are strong, alright. You WERE strong and you still are. You were strong enough to live with that for years… Alvin, you should have told me. I would have helped! I have to go… I'm sobbing again. _

**To be continued….**


	3. Entry 3

**I'm so sorry I haven't updated in so long! I've gotten caught up in a completely different fandom and website. But I'M BACK! *Throws confetti* so anyways… enjoy!**

Today was your funeral. I had worn my best black dress; remember the one with the beautiful lace and frills? The one you bought me? Yeah, I wore that one. I had put a black hairband in my hair, and earrings blacker than the night sky onto my ears. I wanted to look my best… just for you. After all, we're never going to see each other again, are we?

No.

Of course, as soon as I had arrived I was greeted by the familiar glances of sympathy shot my way, and the 'I'm sorry for your loss' that still rings in my rings. They don't know the half of it. As cheesy as this sounds… and yeah, I'm pretty cheesy… you were my everything, my smile, my laugh, my happiness, and when you went, you took those things with you.

Jeanette and Eleanor continue to worry over me saying that it isn't healthy for me to just sit in my room, wishing for you to return when you won't, which they've been saying ever since you died, Alvin. I don't know how they expect me to get over you so soon or ever really. They just seem to think it's easy.

So I had asked them, right then and there in the middle of your funeral, "If I were to take Simon from you, Jeanette, or Theodore from you, Eleanor… then what would you do? How would you react? The same way I did when Alvin left! You love them the way I loved him. You know that, and you should be ashamed for asking me to ever, EVER forget about him. Okay?"

I've been ignoring them and their pleads for forgiveness the rest of the day. I wasn't in the mood to deal with them. As your body was being lifted into the dark, deep hole in the ground, it dawned on me. That was your final resting place. The place you would sleep for eternity, never to once open those piercing, hazel eyes of yours that captured my heart.

When I had realized that, I remember… I cried out, running over to your side. Not my Alvin, they can't take my Alvin. Jeanette and Eleanor, as well as their boyfriends (your brothers, of course) came to my side and pinned me down before I could bring you into my arms once more.

The jerks.

Now, I'm once again hidden away in my room. It's pretty humid today… especially in my thick, midnight black dress that I still have yet to take off. I opened my windows, and even the warm breeze still never touches me. I'm just numb, and the pain is eating me alive.

It's like I'm dead, but my heart beats and I still breath. I can touch… I can feel, I can see and hear I can do anything any other living being can do. Save for the fact I can't smile, or laugh… or mask my sadness the way you had been able to. I don't know how you lived like this for so long, assuming that my pain is almost as bad as yours probably was.

-0-

I've stopped eating. Eleanor made me muffins for a snack, but they taste so bland now. Don't tell El, but I simply buried the muffins in the trash. I don't mean to be rude; she's a fabulous cook… I really don't have much of an appetite though. It doesn't necessarily show yet. I'm still just as skinny as I was when you died, though I may have lost a pound or two, nothing serious.

Simon and Theodore just aired on the radio, by the way. They announced that the Chipmunks have come to uneventful end, and that they won't be making music without you. As I had heard that, an idea of the Chipettes ending as well came to mind. I remember turning to my sisters and suggesting that, though they simply shrugged their shoulders, muttering an "I'll think about it." I hope they say 'yes' though. I don't really feel my usual need to sing my heart out…

The others seem to be coping better with all of this than I am. Simon and Theodore are devastated at the loss of you, though I am more than that. There are no words to describe the pain I feel tearing at my heart every day and night.

I miss your voice so much. I've been listening to YouTube videos of us singing and our concerts. Honestly I've spent basically all day doing that ever since your funeral, just taking a chance to refresh my mind and ears of your voice, though it never really does you justice. You always sounded better in person.

Your looks, you were honestly the most handsome chipmunk I had ever come across. Your hazel eyes seemed to sparkle when you smiled… and oh god, your smile. When you smiled my whole day seemed brighter, like anything could happy. Like everything was in my favor. When we held paws, my heart would thud in my chest and I would get this fuzzy, tingling feeling that shot up my spin and made me weak in the knees.

That feeling was love.

Alvin, I love you. You left me, but I haven't left you. I promise to visit you every day. Every single day, Alvin, and you know me well enough to know that I will be keeping that promise.

-0-

Jeanette came over again. She had a smile on her face, though she didn't know I could tell it was slightly forced. Even my sisters were affected greatly by your loss. Everyone was I'm sure. Even though at times I found you slightly annoying, you were still an amazing chipmunk. Better than me, I know. I'm awful. I'm despicable. I hate myself. Why? I'm sure you know. I couldn't even save the one I loved, I was too self-absorbed to notice, as I had stated yesterday.

Anyways, Jeanette was trying to find some way to lift my spirits. She brought me a copy of Romeo and Juliet, some ice cream, and Titanic. Despite my horrid feelings, I couldn't pass a chance to watch our movie, Titanic. I remember how every time Jack would say "I'm the king of the world" you would say it with him. It was honestly adorable.

Though of course, I came to regret ever saying "yes" to that. You weren't there to say "I'm the king of the world" and me or Jeanette doing it for you didn't cut it. It wasn't right… it wasn't you. As soon as I realized this, I had begun to cry. Jeanette had been alarmed, as was instantly by my side as she tried to sooth me.

"Shut it off!" I had screamed. "Shut if off right now, Jeanette, before I throw the TV out the window with your stupid movie in it." She had obliged, doing as told without questioning me. I hadn't been able to stop crying until I had fallen into a deep slumber.

I had only just woken up and decided it best to record the recent events of the day to you, just to keep you updated. I know that you would want to know what was going on with me.

I can't help but flashback to our first date. I remember I had dressed myself in my knee length dress. It was a hot, sparkling pink, and was a bit tight, showing off my curves. My hair was done in a nice bun that sat perfectly on the top of my head, and I had applied eyeliner and lip-gloss to my face… and maybe a bit of eye shadow and blush.

I had walked down the steps and into your arms, as you had chosen to wear your white tux you had worn on the cruise ship. We had gone out to dinner and a fancy and rather expensive restaurant, and I had ordered a simple salad.

"So..," I had begun, swallowing a bit nervously as I fidgeted in my seat. I remember you glanced in my direction, chuckling to yourself as you raised an eyebrow.

"Mm…nervous, Britt?" You mused, a smug smirk playing on your gorgeous-I mean your lips.

I had glared in your direction, huffing slightly in frustration. "Actually, yeah, I am. But who can blame with you in the room?" I shot back, furrowing my eyebrows in slight frustration.

"Ooh..." You chuckled, grinning widely. "Feisty, feisty girl, you are Britt." I felt my frustration bubble in my stomach, so I had leaned forward and kissed your lips, just to shut you up. Of course, it had worked, just as I had planned.

Ha, I miss those times. I miss you Alvin so much more than you will ever know.


End file.
